Seeking perfection
A recovering perfectionist. That’s what my friend/mentor called me.
I see signs of a desire for perfection, not just in my own heart, but all around me. Complaints when the government fails to fix a problem completely. Impatience when a server forgets one little item on an order or when a clerk hits the wrong key on the cash register. Frustration when a computer is slower than it should be.
Maybe this is our natural human state. Craving perfection. Not being satisfied with anything less. Maybe it springs from our longing for God, who is perfect, and our desire for heaven, where there is perfect peace and joy and love.
But can it ever happen on this fallen planet? It never has. Doesn’t seem likely that it ever will. “To all perfection I see a limit” (Psalm 119:96).
Jesus and human perfection
And yet sometimes the Bible itself makes it sound like perfection is possible on this side of heaven. Jesus prayed toward the end of His life for His followers to “be brought to complete unity” (John 17:23 NIV) or “become perfectly one” (ESV). Has that ever occurred in the history of the church? Was His prayer answered? Could Jesus pray a prayer that wasn’t answered?
I don’t know. On the one hand, some would say that He was only referring to our spiritual unity, which is perfect. On the other hand, can we really be “perfectly one” if there's any kind of division at all?
Then there’s His command in Matthew 5:48, “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” How could He demand this of us when He knows it’s impossible? Maybe He set the bar as high as He did, not because He expected us to reach it, but so that we’d have no excuse for aiming lower.
What if Jesus had said instead, “Always do the best you can”? I know what I’d do. I’d cling to that favorite sin of mine with the idea that I couldn’t possibly resist or overcome it. I’d say I was living up to His command, then go about my merry way stifling any attempt of the Holy Spirit to get my attention and convict me of my need to change. I have to hear Him say, “Be perfect,” or I’ll make excuses for my faults, rather than doing my part in attempting to correct them.
In the same way, maybe Jesus prayed for complete unity for His people, not with the expectation that we would ever reach it, but as a challenge for us to be continually working for greater oneness.
The results of expecting perfection
God obviously included these verses on perfection in His perfect Word for a reason. But when we fallen humans demand perfection from ourselves and other fallen humans, it always leads to suffering, because we can never achieve it. Sometimes it results in refusing to accept good answers to our problems in search of a perfect and unattainable solution.
A few years ago, I read somewhere online about a newly published memoir. The author wrote about growing up in an American culture that was telling her not to settle for second-best in dating and marriage.
There was a time when many women felt like they needed to be married for the sake of financial security and social status. They were willing to agree to an okay or difficult marriage out of fear of remaining single, and therefore lacking both money and respect. As women became more self-confident and financially independent, the new goal was to avoid the pain of divorce by finding the perfect husband.
Unfortunately, the author never found him. Instead, she entered midlife regretting her earlier choices and expectations. She could look back at some of the men she’d dated and realize that a few of them might have been good enough, if not perfect. She might have had the pleasure of sharing her life with someone special, rather than spending it alone. She wrote her book to encourage younger women to have a more realistic view of the men in their lives.
Expecting perfection can also lead to giving up on finding any answers at all. Becoming cynical and bitter. Turning to drugs and alcohol and other forms of escape. In recent years, the death rate among middle-aged adults has been increasing in the United States. Statistics show that the change is due to larger numbers of “deaths from despair”—alcoholism, drug addiction, and suicide. Too many people have given up. Is it because they were longing for perfection and couldn’t find it?
Overcoming perfectionism
So how did I become a recovering perfectionist, rather than a frustrated one? The main factor was a plunge into suicidal depression. Clinging to perfectionism would have led to my death. In addition to my severely depressed mood, I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t remember simple things, I was making embarrassing mistakes in front of everyone around me, and I didn’t have the energy to keep up with my responsibilities. I was failing in every area of my life. The disappointment in myself and frustration with my new shortcomings were so intense there were only two ways out—learn to let go or kill myself.
Through other people, through God’s Word, through His Holy Spirit within me, I began to release my unrealistic expectations of myself and others. To accept and even love myself just the way I was, with all my faults and limitations. To appreciate the good (even though imperfect) things—the beauty around me, my friends and family members, the prosperity of my nation, the freedoms that I enjoyed, and all the other blessings that God had generously provided. It took years to learn and grow like this, but it saved my life.
I lowered my standards to a more reasonable level, where they remain today. Following Jesus’ command, I still aim for perfection—while accepting the fact that I’ll never reach it. By doing so, I’m working for greater improvement in myself, the church, and the world around me than I would if I set the goal any lower.
And I'm learning to be content with the imperfect results. Although I haven't reached perfect contentment, I find joy in seeing the good, no matter how small, that comes from my efforts. And I look forward to the moment when I’ll enter the next life, where I’ll find the perfection that I’ve been yearning for all these years.
A recovering perfectionist. That’s what my friend/mentor called me.
I see signs of a desire for perfection, not just in my own heart, but all around me. Complaints when the government fails to fix a problem completely. Impatience when a server forgets one little item on an order or when a clerk hits the wrong key on the cash register. Frustration when a computer is slower than it should be.
Maybe this is our natural human state. Craving perfection. Not being satisfied with anything less. Maybe it springs from our longing for God, who is perfect, and our desire for heaven, where there is perfect peace and joy and love.
But can it ever happen on this fallen planet? It never has. Doesn’t seem likely that it ever will. “To all perfection I see a limit” (Psalm 119:96).
Jesus and human perfection
And yet sometimes the Bible itself makes it sound like perfection is possible on this side of heaven. Jesus prayed toward the end of His life for His followers to “be brought to complete unity” (John 17:23 NIV) or “become perfectly one” (ESV). Has that ever occurred in the history of the church? Was His prayer answered? Could Jesus pray a prayer that wasn’t answered?
I don’t know. On the one hand, some would say that He was only referring to our spiritual unity, which is perfect. On the other hand, can we really be “perfectly one” if there's any kind of division at all?
Then there’s His command in Matthew 5:48, “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” How could He demand this of us when He knows it’s impossible? Maybe He set the bar as high as He did, not because He expected us to reach it, but so that we’d have no excuse for aiming lower.
What if Jesus had said instead, “Always do the best you can”? I know what I’d do. I’d cling to that favorite sin of mine with the idea that I couldn’t possibly resist or overcome it. I’d say I was living up to His command, then go about my merry way stifling any attempt of the Holy Spirit to get my attention and convict me of my need to change. I have to hear Him say, “Be perfect,” or I’ll make excuses for my faults, rather than doing my part in attempting to correct them.
In the same way, maybe Jesus prayed for complete unity for His people, not with the expectation that we would ever reach it, but as a challenge for us to be continually working for greater oneness.
The results of expecting perfection
God obviously included these verses on perfection in His perfect Word for a reason. But when we fallen humans demand perfection from ourselves and other fallen humans, it always leads to suffering, because we can never achieve it. Sometimes it results in refusing to accept good answers to our problems in search of a perfect and unattainable solution.
A few years ago, I read somewhere online about a newly published memoir. The author wrote about growing up in an American culture that was telling her not to settle for second-best in dating and marriage.
There was a time when many women felt like they needed to be married for the sake of financial security and social status. They were willing to agree to an okay or difficult marriage out of fear of remaining single, and therefore lacking both money and respect. As women became more self-confident and financially independent, the new goal was to avoid the pain of divorce by finding the perfect husband.
Unfortunately, the author never found him. Instead, she entered midlife regretting her earlier choices and expectations. She could look back at some of the men she’d dated and realize that a few of them might have been good enough, if not perfect. She might have had the pleasure of sharing her life with someone special, rather than spending it alone. She wrote her book to encourage younger women to have a more realistic view of the men in their lives.
Expecting perfection can also lead to giving up on finding any answers at all. Becoming cynical and bitter. Turning to drugs and alcohol and other forms of escape. In recent years, the death rate among middle-aged adults has been increasing in the United States. Statistics show that the change is due to larger numbers of “deaths from despair”—alcoholism, drug addiction, and suicide. Too many people have given up. Is it because they were longing for perfection and couldn’t find it?
Overcoming perfectionism
So how did I become a recovering perfectionist, rather than a frustrated one? The main factor was a plunge into suicidal depression. Clinging to perfectionism would have led to my death. In addition to my severely depressed mood, I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t remember simple things, I was making embarrassing mistakes in front of everyone around me, and I didn’t have the energy to keep up with my responsibilities. I was failing in every area of my life. The disappointment in myself and frustration with my new shortcomings were so intense there were only two ways out—learn to let go or kill myself.
Through other people, through God’s Word, through His Holy Spirit within me, I began to release my unrealistic expectations of myself and others. To accept and even love myself just the way I was, with all my faults and limitations. To appreciate the good (even though imperfect) things—the beauty around me, my friends and family members, the prosperity of my nation, the freedoms that I enjoyed, and all the other blessings that God had generously provided. It took years to learn and grow like this, but it saved my life.
I lowered my standards to a more reasonable level, where they remain today. Following Jesus’ command, I still aim for perfection—while accepting the fact that I’ll never reach it. By doing so, I’m working for greater improvement in myself, the church, and the world around me than I would if I set the goal any lower.
And I'm learning to be content with the imperfect results. Although I haven't reached perfect contentment, I find joy in seeing the good, no matter how small, that comes from my efforts. And I look forward to the moment when I’ll enter the next life, where I’ll find the perfection that I’ve been yearning for all these years.
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