Brain Fog

 The fog rolls in

Stress flips the switch on the miniature fog machine in my brain. As my stress level increases, my mind shuts down more and more. I have to occasionally remind myself that this is a normal response to the fight-or-flight hormones that our bodies produce (as I shared in my article “Stressing Out” in Christian Women Online).

But even when my thinking slows down to a crawl I still have responsibilities to fulfill. Writing. Yard work. Housework. Fixing meals. Running errands. I can’t put the brakes on everything that I’m doing just because my brain isn’t functioning as well as I’d like it to. Those errands make me a bit nervous, though.

One day I’m walking out the door, heading to the store to pick up an item for a friend in need, feeling stressed and uncertain. Should I be driving today? Will I be a danger to myself or others if I’m behind the wheel? Saying a prayer as I get on the road, like I often do in this situation: Lord, please keep me alert. Keep me safe.

(Just so you don’t worry about me too much: If I thought driving was a truly serious risk, of course I wouldn’t be going anywhere. I plan my outings for the time of day when traffic is lighter and I’m most alert, and I don’t often travel more than five miles each way. Plus, my very awareness of my weakness compels me to compensate for it by focusing more intentionally on all that’s going on around me.)

The challenges

I turn north onto a major street. After a couple of miles, I notice flashing lights ahead in the southbound lanes. Most of the drivers around me haven’t seen them yet, but I know I need to move over and stop before the emergency vehicles get any closer. A workman with a truck-bed full of traffic cones has just pulled over several yards ahead of me and the cars farther back in the right lane are still going the speed limit. Can I squeeze between the truck and the cars without causing an accident? Somehow I manage to do it.

As the fire engines pass, the workman is setting up traffic cones shutting down our lane. Now I have to merge back into the middle one without knocking him down, timing my movement around all of the traffic that had stopped momentarily. And it’s okay. I maneuver and accelerate safely. I can handle this.

I smile a bit at the idea that God is responding to my prayer. Calming my fears. Showing me that I’m alert enough to do this thing called driving. Which is good, because the challenges aren’t over yet.

After I’ve passed the traffic cones, I move back into the right lane, with the thought that more emergency vehicles could be on their way. And they are. This time, a construction zone is squeezing the southbound traffic down from three lanes to one. Cars are backed up beyond the red light at the coming intersection. And two more fire trucks are heading right for them.

There’s no one in front of me when I stop at the light. A few blocks ahead, the firefighters swerve into the open northbound lanes, then use their technology to turn the traffic light green and lean on their horns to keep the intersection clear.

They’re heading straight for me now. At high speed. Shortly before they reach me, they turn back to the right, then to the left, going south again, presumably finding an open path around the cars and the construction. As the sound of the sirens dies down, I look both ways and continue to the store.

Now I’m laughing out loud. Okay, God, I get the message. You’re keeping my head clear enough to complete this errand. You are with me. I am safe.

But my progress is slow. What with construction zones, emergency vehicles, and too many red lights, I’m feeling a little stressed about getting home before my next slump hits.

The traffic signal ahead turns green as I approach it. Good. One less stop to make.

Then I look to the left and see two bicycle riders in the crosswalk on my side of the intersection, pedaling away in spite of their their red light. I apply my brakes just in time to let them pass in front of me, but without any risk of my being rear-ended. If I hadn’t glanced in their direction as I approached the intersection, we would’ve collided. Another opportunity for God to reassure me that I’m okay to drive and that He’s watching out for me.

The rest of the errand passes smoothly. I find exactly what my friend needs at the store. I get home before my energy plummets.

Remembering

It’s so encouraging to know that God answers my prayers. And that sometimes He goes beyond my expectations and provides more than I’d asked for. It was especially fun this time because I could imagine Him sitting up in heaven smiling and laughing with me as I watched my adventure unfold. He definitely has a sense of humor. I tend to forget that, especially when I’m feeling stressed.

I crash pretty hard later in the day (figuratively, not literally), probably as a result of the morning’s excess adrenaline. As usual, it triggers deep anxiety and obsessively negative thinking. This time, to help myself fight that natural tendency, I can look back, not years or months or even days, but back only a few hours to when God did a simple yet amazing thing in responding to my prayer.

I can marvel about how He demonstrates His love, not just in the big things like preventing me from causing a wreck, but even in the little things like setting up multiple situations to reassure me that I’m okay to drive when I need to. I can thank Him for, and cling to, His precious, overflowing grace. Even when my faulty body chemistry is trying to convince me that life is too tough, that I’m too weak and limited to make it through another day, that I deserve something better than this.

Thank You, Lord, for Your love, Your grace, Your presence, and Your little surprises.