Light in the Darkness

Expectations

Let your light shine!

There’s a dark world out there. But if you’re really a good Christian, then you’re always filled with a cozy warm glow. You’re doing all you can every day, every minute to pump up the brightness. You’re making sure it’s always flowing out of you to where it’s needed so badly.

That’s how I usually take this admonition. And I don’t take it well.

Then one Sunday morning we’re singing in church and the words jump out at me: Let your light shine*! But this time I get a new mental image.

What if I’m dim and dreary inside? Can I shine a bit of light even when I’m hurting? Will my attempts to crank it up turn it into a cold artificial glare?

Can God shine His light through me when it seems like there’s nothing but darkness within me? The darkness of a painful loss. The darkness of financial fears. The darkness of loneliness or depression or guilt.

Can God still use me, when I’m in this condition, to brighten other people’s lives without denying my own darkness?

In the same service, the pastor comments on our responsibility to praise God even when we don’t feel like it. I’ve always been intrigued by the phrase “a sacrifice of praise” (Hebrews 13:15), which Pastor mentions here.

How can praising Him involve sacrificing? Sacrificing hurts. I usually associate praise with feeling good. Isn’t that why we sing happy songs?Aren’t those the only ones that truly praise Him? (That seems to be the subtle implication in many of our worship services.)

But maybe that sacrifice of praise occurs when we’re suffering and we don’t seem capable of praising Him in that moment. Or when we’d really rather be doing something else. Or when we’re actively rebelling against Him. To resist our impulses and follow His will (not just lip service, but genuine praise) would be a sacrifice. Maybe it’s an example of intentionally letting His light shine in spite of our own darkness.

An illustration

A few years ago, I was in one of those bleak places. One Saturday night I got bad news concerning a family member. It hurt so much, I seriously considered skipping church in the morning. I didn’t think I could make it through the service without weeping, and I hate to cry in public.

I couldn’t share my burden with anyone, because it concerned a confidential situation. I wouldn’t be able to explain my tears if they came. But it hurt so much, I knew I needed to be there, in my community, in worship with my sisters and brothers in Christ.

As I was leaving my house on Sunday, in an attempt to turn around my obsessive thinking about my own problems, I prayed, “Lord, let me be a blessing to others.” I didn’t think of it this way at the time, but I was basically saying, “Let Your light shine through me in spite of this darkness inside.”

It wasn’t until I was almost ready to head home that I realized that God had answered that prayer without my even trying to make it happen. He allowed me to be honest with Him about the suffering I was enduring. No denial. No fake smile. No pretending it didn’t hurt. But He also used me to minister to others.

During the service, Pastor interviewed a couple about a difficult experience that they’d been going through for the last several years. They didn’t minimize the pain and confusion. They’d had a tough time understanding what God was doing and why.

But He was there for them in ways they hadn’t anticipated. They could see (and so could I) how much they’d grown in their relationship with Him because of their circumstances. The service was a time of celebrating God’s goodness and wisdom.

(One of the fascinating things about the morning was that during the nearly ten years that I’d been at this church, Pastor had never replaced the sermon with a conversation with someone from the congregation. He hasn’t done it since then, either. The timing of this unique presentation was perfect in light of my prayer and my need.)

I’d met this couple at another church that I’d attended. I’d listened sympathetically to the wife’s stories about thwarted hopes. I’d shared the burden of her sorrows. But our paths hadn’t crossed very often since then. After the service, I made it a point to find her in the crowd and let her know how much I appreciated their testimony.

Her response: “I’m so glad you were here. I was hoping you would be.”

Without even planning it, without knowing that she and her husband would play a large part in the service, without having any idea that she was thinking about me, my presence had been a blessing to her. Out of my darkness, I’d shone a bit of light into her life.

Later, I talked to two or three people in my Sunday school class. I didn’t want to. I wanted to just sit like a lump and listen to the teacher’s message, hoping it would help me somehow. I had too much pain inside to intentionally reach out to others. But they reached out to me.

And I found myself speaking words that brought them a little deeper comfort and understanding. Being a blessing to them. Shining a light from my darkness into theirs.

The blessing

By the end of the morning, it hit me. God had gone way beyond what I’d expected in answering my prayer. (And I didn’t even cry!)

It doesn’t always work this way, and that’s okay. I don’t want to be pressured, every time I’m really down, to shine my light all over the world. I don’t think God wants me to feel that kind of pressure, either. Sometimes I need to be the one receiving an illuminating and refreshing and purifying light from others.

But when it does happen, when God shines His light through me even when I’m feeling so dark inside, it’s not just a blessing to those around me. I am richly blessed, too.

*Sorry I can’t give a reference here. We were singing a medley of songs, so the title wasn’t given in the bulletin. When I tried looking it up on the internet a few weeks later, I found several different songs with this phrase, but none of them sounded like the one I was looking for.